Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
