So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
