He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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