I have demons in me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
