I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize