Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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