I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
