dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
