Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
