I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
