either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
