Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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