Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Im part way to drunk.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
