I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize