I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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