Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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