Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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