By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
