1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
