GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
