i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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