This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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