For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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