So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
