he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
