I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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