my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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