My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
