Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
