i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
