I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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