i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
