im six kinds of drunk right now
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
