Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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