I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
