I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
