I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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