the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just had sex on a roof
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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