my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
