Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
