I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
