He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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