If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
