He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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