My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
