My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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