true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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