Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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