I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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