I can text with my tongue
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
