My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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