I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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