3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
