I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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