i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
