After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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