hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My balls are so social today.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
