I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
