Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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