My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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