Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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